Early reports indicate February just as shite as January

author avatar by 3 years ago

Early reports from a nationwide study have indicated that contrary to popular belief, February is in no way better than January.

Simon Williams, a miserable sod and author of the best-selling book about lockdown “Doom, Gloom and Endless Zoom”, explained the possible reasons for the findings.

“Oh, there are numerous factors,” he told us glumly.

“A death toll from Coronavirus that has consistently been over a thousand every day, homeschooling children while trying to work from home, having Boris Johnson as Prime Minister, freezing temperatures, sleet, snow, the death of Captain Sir Tom Moore and the continued existence of Nigel Farage have all played a part in February scoring a minus four hundred on the happiness index – the same as January.”

He went on, “I don’t know why some people thought that turning over the calendar into a new month would suddenly bring about a renewed sense of hope and optimism.

NewsThump Best sellers

“Even those who you would expect to be celebrating the end of Dry January, actually weren’t, as they’d given that up on January 4th when Boris announced the closure of schools and the new lockdown.”

However, one optimist and incredibly annoying ‘cheery person’ Eleanor Gay disputed the findings, telling us, “No, things are definitely looking up!

“The evenings are getting lighter, America finally has an adult in charge, and I’ve lost a few pounds since getting a FitBit.

“Although these crisps don’t seem to taste of anything, which is weird, and neither did my coffee this morning.

“I’m sure that’s nothing to worry about, though.”