Wednesday 3 February 2021 by Chris Ballard

Concern government may still be completely ineffectual against new Covid strains


Government

As the coronavirus continues to mutate, scientists have expressed concern that the efficacy of the UK government will remain at approximately 0%.

Covid-19 is evolving into variants which seem to be more easily transmissible and possibly more deadly. But while existing vaccines are believed to still be effective against these new strains, the government will be as fucking useless as ever.

“It’s important to speak frankly,” said Top Scientist and government advisor Simon Williams. “This is a very worrying situation.

“In the face of these mutant variants, the government is likely to be about as effective a response unit as Boris Johnson is as a loving husband and father.

“Only this morning I briefed the Cabinet on the continuing spread of the so-called South African strain.

“‘So, should we reopen the pubs?’ asked Matt Hancock.

“I patiently explained that this would make things much, much worse.

“‘What if we restrict people to lager shandies and Scampi Fries?’ chipped in the Prime Minister.

“I then spent twenty minutes trying to convey the really quite simple idea that there was no correlation between the R number and the particular type of bar snacks consumed by the public.

“Hancock leapt to his feet. ‘I know!’ he shouted. ‘I played football once and if you get too close to the goal it’s actually quite easy to shoot over the bar. How about we amend the two-metre rule to two centimetres so the virus will be too close to transmit?’

“It was at this point I had to restrain Chris Whitty who was attempting to jump out of the window to attain the sweet relief of death.

“I’d like to be able to tell you that a new, more effective government was being developed in the laboratory. Sadly, you’re on your own with this one.

“Just think really carefully about who you vote for next time.”

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