Monday 4 January 2021 by Lucas Wilde

Schools declared safe by famed virologist and all-round brainbox, Kirstie Allsopp


Kirstie Allsopp

Everything is going to be OK because Kirstie Allsopp has said so.

The famed virologist, part-time property show presenter and walking fire hazard has declared that it’s fine for kids to go back to school because they never get sick – because that’s the point, not the pace at which they spread the disease to other, more vulnerable people.

“Yeah they’ll be fine,” confirmed Dr Allsopp.

“We need to stop scaring children by telling them they will spread this disease around – even if that statement is entirely accurate.

“Even if the kids do get sick, their likelihood of dying is very low, they will just be very poorly indeed, which is fine.

“Hmm? The TEACHERS? Oh come on, they don’t count, they’re not really people. Just like the people those kids live with.”

Fellow scientist, Dr Hayley Rice, said, “Thank God Kirstie has weighed in with her not-bollocks-at-all-assessment.

“It’s precisely this kind of nuanced, enlightened declaration from well-informed individuals which has kept British infection levels so low.”

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