I got 99 problems but an awareness that phone calls can be recorded isn’t one of them, says Donald Trump

author avatar by 3 years ago

Donald Trump isn’t burdened by the knowledge that phone calls can be recorded, it has been revealed.

President Trump, a fetid, amber stain on the American history books, was recorded a few days ago urging the Secretary of State for Georgia to just make up the voting results in an attempt to steal the election victory from Joe Biden, proving once and for all that while he may have many myriad problems, an awareness of the existence of recording devices isn’t one of them.

“Oh Jeez, this is the last thing I need,” he mumbled into his MacDonald Happy Meal yesterday, when he realised a recording had been made and was now published on several websites.

Muttering to himself he went on, “I’ve got Melania telling me every morning that she’s going to divorce me, Barron won’t speak to me because I’m ’embarrassing’, my penis doesn’t work any more, when I play golf I spend the whole day in the bunkers, and now this.

“Stupid tape recorders. Next they’ll be telling me that Russian hotel rooms can be bugged as well, and that the hookers I hire to pee on me might not be very discrete when talking to foreign journalists.”

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According to a source within the White House, President Trump then spent the next six hours writing out thousands of voting ballots with his name ticked on them, which he then put in a big bag marked ‘Georgia votes’ and addressed it to ‘The vote counting man, Georgia’ before handing it to US postal service.