Boris to announce “Don’t go to school, but do go to school, but the schools must shut and you’ll be arrested”

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Boris Johnson is set to lay out a bunch of new Covid restrictions with typical clarity this evening.

The Prime Minister and former scarecrow will make the announcement at 8pm this evening, which will save any very young schoolchildren from having to look at his haunted face or listening to his befuddling bullshit.

“Look, no Prime Minister would want this, not even a competent one,” Johnson will say.

“But we have no choice now – not that we did before, but if I leave it until the last minute it might convince you that my hands are tied by a virus without sentience.

“That said, I want to be absolutely clear to men, women and children: you must stay at home. Don’t go out, unless it’s for work or school, but don’t go to school as they will be shut, but if you must go to school, do so in groups of no more than four workmates at a time.

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“Factories are to be shut and only attended by children in Year 9 or below and only if they were born under a full moon between the months of May and later in May.

“Retail outlets will remain open as long as they can prove they are selling those cute little coats for dogs, but dogs must be kept on a leash while in the home. However, the dogs must close.

“You may meet in no more than four places at once and those places must be six miles apart or greater, except for Salisbury, which now falls under a cubic rule and is therefore disqualified.”

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