Boris Johnson to announce new raft of not nearly effective enough Covid measures

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Prime Minister and twat Boris Johnson will tonight outline a new set of not nearly effective enough Covid measures that will replace the previous not early effective enough Covid measures.

“It is clear to the Prime Minister that the situation with Covid in this country is increasingly desperate, and that the current not nearly effective enough Covid measures are having little effect on the spread of the disease for some reason or other,” said Number 10 spokesperson Simon Williams.

“As such, he believes that the time has arrived for a whole new set of not nearly effective enough Covid measures.”

It is currently unknown as to exactly what the measures will be, but rumours are emerging that as well as being not nearly effective enough, the new measures will also be unclear, vague and frustratingly difficult for people put into action.

“Well, yes, I believe that we are planning vague and unclear measures,” continued Mr Williams.

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“I know that people find that having vague and unclear rules in these times of national crisis frustrating, but it’s important to remember that, as a Government, we don’t really give a shit.

“Anyway, best of luck. See you on the other side.”

Mr Johnson will address the country tonight at 8pm after having been dressed in a suit rescued from a bin and then dragged through a hedge as has, for some reason, become the tradition.

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