Friday 1 January 2021 by Philip Kendall

Army called in as Sovereignty floods British towns and villages


Sovereignty flooding villages

Britons all over the country have had to be evacuated from their homes today following the arrival of unprecedented levels of sovereignty, which started to appear in towns and villages just after midnight.

The southeast, northeast, and southwest regions of England are reported to have been the hardest hit as the nation woke up to the deluge.

“We went to bed with barely any sovereignty, but when I opened the curtains this morning it was up to the bloody windows,” homeowner Ian Benchley told local news crews.

“I’m not entirely sure what it is, but it feels important so I guess we’d better get on with it.”

Sovereignty, which has a blue/black tinge and smells faintly of fish, has not been seen in such vast quantities in Britain since the 1970s — a simpler time when people burned coal for warmth and enjoyed such classic British dishes as Spam with pineapple and children’s party favourite ‘cauliflower surprise’.

Its sudden return overnight has caught many off-guard, however.

“We’d all seen the warnings — the adverts on telly telling us to ‘get ready’ for it,” said one local business owner.

“But it’s hard to get ready for something when you don’t really know what it is — even when you voted for it.”

Not everyone was quite so alarmed, however. Tea room owner Annette Pemberton, who had to be rescued from her home by boat during the early hours of this morning, seemed undeterred by the catastrophic damage the sovereignty had caused to her business.

“Yes, the ground floor of my tea room is now a sodden, herring-scented mess. And, yes, this will undoubtedly leave me with no income to rely on besides the money I make from all of my rental properties.

“But the point is, the sovereignty is back now, and I’m confident that we will, over time, grow a thin layer of webbing between our fingers and toes, ultimately emerging from this nauseating, primordial ooze as a nation of glorious, raft-dwelling merpeople.

“Exactly like we voted for.”

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