by 
The Government has issued surprising new advice on how to cross the road this Christmas, suggesting that people should wait by the side of the road until they get really bored with waiting and then just run out into the traffic and hope for the best.
“I think that we need to acknowledge that people who wait patiently to cross the road have done really, really well,” explained Boris Johnson, who definitely cares about the well-being of other people.
“So, if you have waited to cross the road for, say, five minutes or so, then that’s really well done. That’s been helpful. That’s probably a good number of accidents that you’ve saved and so, as a reward over this Christmas, we’re going to allow people to run out into traffic when they get bored of waiting to cross the road.”
Some experts have suggested that letting people just run out into traffic will cause more accidents and deaths, and it might be safer to stick to existing road-crossing guidelines, even if it’s a bit tedious at times.
“I think you have to accept that people dying and getting injured in accidents is a fact of life,” said Johnson.
“Factoring that up against the detrimental effect to the mental health of people getting bored waiting to cross the road, I think that, just for Christmas, letting people run into traffic is going to be a real tonic for the nation.”
The Government has also issued new advice on how to cook a turkey this Christmas, suggesting people should cook the bird until they get fed up with waiting for the turkey to be cooked, and then just eat it.
Brighten up Christmas with some NewsThump gifts for the barely tolerable people in your life!
