Dead Kraken washes up on New Jersey coast

The mighty Kraken, leviathan of the deep, girt in oceanic majesty, has been found washed up and dead on the coast just south of Beach Haven this morning.

The terrible lord of the unplumbed depths, which was said to be playing a major role in forthcoming challenges to the US election, appears to have expired ‘at birth’ and was never really a credible threat to shipping.

Experts examining the massive corpse – which is starting to stink a bit – said that although the threat of the Kraken appeared awesome in it’s majesty, in reality, it was a dirty great lump of rubbery blubber that would have struggled to open an envelope.

“The Kraken, spoken of in hushed tones by the ancients as the dread lord of unfathomed depths, hunted by the gods and feared by mortals, expired with a thin, greasy fart the moment it was exposed to any sort of scrutiny,” said experts from the Kettering Oceanographical Institute.

“People quaked when Zeus, King of Olympus, cried in his wrath to unleash it. But the biggest threat it actually poses is to someone walking their dog on the beach and not watching where they’re going.”

In a statement, Beach Haven mayor and restaurateur Simon-Bob Williams said, “We reckon if we use a chainsaw we can make it into several million squid rings.

“After all that shouting, the biggest threat this thing poses will be heart disease.”

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