Larry the Cat, possibly the most popular member of the Number Ten team, has been accused of forcing previous Director of Communications Lee Cain out and seizing the top job himself.
The cat, who is known to be a scrappy street fighter and is good at handling rats, has built on the poor performance of colleagues in recent months with a solid record in front of the public.
“Most members of the cabinet can’t find their own arse with both hands, but not only can Larry find his, but he can lick it as well – a skill only Jacob Rees-Mogg has previously demonstrated,” we were told.
“And an ability to keep his crap within his litter tray instead of spreading it all over the place has marked him out for promotion over Chris Grayling.”
When asked why Boris had plumped for a cat as his representative to the media, a senior government source said: “Well, he looks all fluffy and adorable, and he’s great at pretending not to have been fed, but he’s got a nigh-psychotic sense of entitlement and he’ll shag anything that moves so maybe we should have had him fixed before letting him Number Ten.
“Oh, sorry, you meant the cat?”