Nation shocked to discover Downing Street full of childish arseholes who hate each other

author avatar by 3 years ago

The UK is reeling after finding out that people at the very heart of government have been behaving in an unpleasant manner.

In-fighting, backstabbing, self-interest, spite, vindictiveness… not behaviours one would ordinarily associate with a Conservative government.

However, it has now been revealed – via the sudden resignation of Director of Communications Lee Cain – that Number 10 is far from immune from the darker impulses of human nature.

“As far as the British public was concerned, Boris, Cummings and Cain were the best of friends,” said Political Analyst Simon Williams.

“A group of chums who enjoyed building treehouses, having a kickabout with jumpers for goalposts and letting their imaginations run wild by making up stories in order to convince people to Vote Leave.

“However, Carrie Symonds may now prove to be the Yoko Ono who broke up this particular band.

“She reacted to Boris’ suggestion that Cain should be promoted to Chief of Staff by stamping on the PM’s foot and shouting, ‘No! Not that silly poopy-head!’

“Keen to side with his girlfriend because she occasionally kisses him and stuff, Boris withdrew the offer.

“Cummings then responded by telling Boris – in no uncertain terms – that he was ‘not his best friend anymore’.

“Boris then called Cummings ‘ugly’ and informed him he had ‘smelly pants’.

“Cummings’ brilliant retort was, ‘I am rubber, you’re glue, your words bounce off me and stick to you’.

“Meanwhile, Cain had stormed out of Downing Street in tears having phoned his mum to come and pick him up.

“Fears that Cummings would soon follow suit seemed to be allayed when the PM offered him a reconciliatory pickled onion Monster Munch.

“However, there are obviously still a number of vitally important issues that need to be resolved behind that big black door. No doubt Boris will make them his top priority.”

In other less important news, another 500 people have died of Coronavirus.

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt while you still can!