Tuesday 3 November 2020 by Neil Tollfree

‘Elephant stampede!’ – Government think tank recommends new ways to ruin people’s lives

elephant stampede

The first recommendations from a new Government think tank dedicated to generating innovative new ways to ruin peoples lives include an elephant stampede through Chichester and laying landmines on the M25.

The think tank was created in the wake of criticism that, although they are significantly ruining people’s lives right now, there isn’t enough being done to make sure that the Government will be able to continue ruining lives in the coming years.

“We’ve had austerity, which ruined the lives of millions, and we’ve got Brexit coming, which will ruin millions more,” said a Tory insider.

“But there have been very few new innovations to ruin lives. I mean, yes, we were able to take advantage of the pandemic and ruin people’s lives with our response, but being reliant on events we don’t control is not a strategy.

“That’s why we need this think tank. We can’t stop ruining people’s lives just because we’ve run out of ideas.”

Other recommendations from the think tank include setting fire to Birmingham, shutting down the sewage system in Wales, and banning dogs.

It is not entirely clear why a Government so seemingly dedicated to ruining everyone’s lives has proved quite so popular with voters but whilst it remains the case then, with the help of their new think tank, this Tory Government should be set to continue ruining lives for years to come.

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