“Clap for the NHS” to be replaced by “long scream into the cold, dark void”

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We’ll all be screaming into the void at 8pm every Thursday, according to reports this afternoon.

During the last lockdown, the whole of England came together in an applause-based display of support for frontline NHS workers – which was either heartwarming or a cynical distraction from the crippling lack of government funding for that same NHS, depending on who you asked.

“But we’ve done that now, and things are worse, so it was obviously the wrong thing to do,” said Simon Williams, a citizen who often mistakes correlation for causation.

“So now we’re all just going to scream into the long, dark, lonely night.

“It will be much more therapeutic and hopefully there will be fewer lunatics banging saucepans, playing accordions, singing songs they’ve written themselves or any of the other attention-seeking, cringeworthy shite one might typically expect from the opening night of Britain’s Got Talent.

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“Plus screaming into the night is actually quite knackering, so you’ll be all set for bed straight afterwards.”

Simon’s neighbour, Hayley Rice, told us, “Simon is such a grump.

“Everybody else in the street loved my rendition of Robbie Williams’ Angels, where I changed the word “angels” to “nurses”. They were quite literally speechless afterwards.

“In fact, they’re still speechless all these months later – nobody’s spoken to me since.

“Anyway, I suppose a good old scream into the void will do us all good. It will make a nice change doing it out loud at night instead of doing it into my pillow every single lunchtime.”