Saturday 24 October 2020

Tory MP Ben Bradley wakes up refreshed following lovely dream in which he was hailed as national hero for proving Marcus Rashford wrong to feed hungry children

Ben Bradley wakes up refreshed

Tory backbench MP woke feeling lovely and refreshed this morning, after a frankly delightful dream in which he was hailed as a national hero for showing the nation how wrong Marcus Rashford was for trying to feed the country’s hungry children.

“What a sleep,” Bradley told our source.

“Sometimes people ask how I sleep at night, and the answer is brilliantly – as long as I keep having dreams like this.

“Everything was perfect. I explained on national television how simply giving food to children who are hungry creates a dependency on food, and the entire nation – as one – nodded in agreement at the brilliant point I had made.

“I made it clear that if a parent is struggling for the means to put food in their child’s mouth, then the right way to incentivise them is by leaving those children to go hungry, after all, it’s a central tenet of my belief system to punish the innocent to incentivise those that love them.

“It works in all those crime films I like so much, so why not in politics?

“Anyway, in my dream, Marcus Rashford was left in no doubt that my watertight argument was both politically and morally correct, and he instantly agreed that these kids need to go hungry for the good of the taxpayer.

“Then, because he was so impressed by my argument, he invited me to partner him upfront for Manchester United and I scored the winning goal in the FA Cup final.

“Scoring the winner was OK I suppose, but nowhere near as satisfying as making over a million kids go to bed hungry.”

“I voted Tory for a fairer, kinder society for all”, said no-one ever – get the T-shirt here!

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