Tories step up campaign to prevent children eating by criminalising grandparents who give kids sweets

The Government has sought to step up its campaign against children eating food by making it a criminal offence for grandparents to give their grandchildren sweets.

“It has come to our attention that in some families, it is common practice for grandparents to give their grandchildren sweets without charging them any money,” explained Home Secretary and complete fucking bastard Priti Patel.

“This will then lead to the child eating the sweet for free.

“This goes against everything the Tory Party in 2020 stands for and we will be rushing through legislation to make this activity illegal and punishable by at least one month in prison.

“Children have got to learn that you can’t have something for nothing. Unless, of course, you’re a Tory Party donor looking for a nice tax break. However, to the best of my knowledge, no child has ever given a substantial donation to the party, so no free sweets for them.”

The legislation will come into effect on Monday and the Government hopes that it will shore up their current provisions to make children go hungry.

However, if it is seen that children are still finding ways to eat for free then further steps will be taken, including banning chocolate Christmas tree decorations, making chicken nuggets illegal, and having Marcus Rashford shot.

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

Advertisement

Classic BritishComedy tees

Celebrating the best of British comedy from the 70s, 80s, 90s and beyond.

See the full collection →