Next pandemic busy incubating in office fridge that hasn’t been opened in six months

author avatar by 2 years ago

A pandemic that will sweep the earth and devastate humanity is already incubating in an office fridge that hasn’t been opened since March, according to reports today.

The fridge held a selection of lunches on that fateful day when everyone was told not to come into the office, and now contains something truly unnatural waiting to radiate forth the moment some benighted fool opens it, rather than doing the sensible thing and just lobbing it in a skip.

Scientists have warned against ‘clearing out the fridge’ when people return to the office, unless it is done in a hazmat suit and preferably with a flamethrower.

“What you’ve got is an unholy mixture of vegan crossfitter macronutrient slop, a cheese and ham sandwich, and that weird-smelling stuff that Mary from accounts cooks up for herself every day and nobody is quite sure what it is,” warned Sir Simon Williams of the Royal School of Tropical Medicine.

“Coupled with seven or eight different sorts of milk and yoghurt and you’ve basically got ground zero for the annihilation of the human race in three to six weeks.

“I can’t stress this enough: your fridge is now worse than one of those Chinese markets where they sell bats and Anteaters in spicy sauce and one of Vladimir Putin’s top-secret labs put together.

“For safety’s sake, I suggest you just burn down your office and never go back.”