Wednesday 21 October 2020 by Chris Ballard

Nation left shocked as Government fails to negotiate a deal with someone

Boris fails to negotiate deal with manchester

As coronavirus talks between the Government and Greater Manchester’s leaders close without an agreement, the country has been left stunned at how this could happen to a Prime Minister with such a gift for negotiation.

Covid talks between Downing Street and Greater Manchester are to end in a no-deal scenario and absolutely nobody saw this coming.

“I mean, what on Earth went wrong?” muttered visibly shaken political analyst Simon Williams. “This is almost as weird and shocking as it would be to hear that EU trade negotiations had failed!

“The Prime Minister is almost supernaturally good at negotiation. People probably don’t realise the impact his powers of persuasion have had on British geopolitical history.

“He met Hitler for peace talks in 1939.

“He knew the Falklands war would be a terrible waste of life and went to Downing Street to persuade Thatcher that was the case.

“He actually has precedent negotiating with Labour politicians – he was instrumental in convincing Blair that Iraq did not have weapons of mass destruction.

“Even at home, he plays Carrie like a violin. When they got together he explained that he already had more than enough children and that she would need to park any maternal instincts. We all know the result of that one.

“Why has he failed now?”

Boris explained himself in a Downing Street press conference.

“Andy Burnham is a bloody difficult man,” he said.

“He wanted a financial package which would support people on the lowest incomes, I offered him a pair of 3D glasses and a pencil sharpener. Nothing.

“He wanted to ensure people are not forced into poverty simply because they’re self-employed, and I offered him a pair of those extra-grippy socks you use to go trampolining. Nothing.

“There’s just no negotiating with some people.”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the T-shirt here!

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