Manchester gets extra £100m from government after all Mancunians retrain as unusable PPE

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Greater Manchester has secured an extra £100m in government funding this morning, after all Mancunians announced plans to retrain as completely unusable PPE.

After it appeared the region would have to make do with the pitiful £22m offered by Boris and his team, resourceful Mancunians applied for a government contract to provide PPE that doesn’t actually work, and can’t be used by medical professionals.

Pub workers Simon Williams told us, “I was kind of hoping the government would do the right thing and provide sufficient money to support me and my colleagues when we’re forced to close our business due to the lockdown restrictions.

“But it seems that all I had to do get a much more appropriate sum was explain that instead of a barman, I am now an out-of-date piece of medical-grade fabric designed to be wrapped around a nurse’s face.


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Upon hearing of the new plan for Mancunians to retrain as unusable PPE a government spokesperson told Manchester officials,”Ah, well, that’s a different matter entirely, why didn’t you just start with that? Now, how does a blank cheque sound? Shall we start with £100m and see how we get on?

“Of course, there are a few hoops that we need to jump through, a bit of red tape – due diligence if you will – we can’t just hand out vast sums like this without doing some checks.

“So, before I can hand over this money, the things we really need confirmation on is this; have you ever donated to the Tory party?”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt and mask here!