Government announces it has reached an Australian-style deal with Manchester

author avatar by 3 years ago

The UK government has announced it has reached a deal with Manchester over proposed Tier 3 lockdown restrictions, insisting the deal has been agreed in the traditional ‘Australian style’.

Just days after the nation’s Brexit negotiators insisted they were perfectly happy living with an Australian style deal with the EU from January 1st 2020, those inside Downing Street are now claiming similar success following further talks with Greater Manchester officials.

A government spokesperson told us, “We are delighted to announce an Australian-style deal has been struck with Manchester, where they will continue to do as they please, and we will pretend we are an equitable part of that process.

“We wish those of you in the biased media would stop referring to such arrangements as being the result of ‘no deal’ simply because no deal has been struck.

“We have been very clear throughout this process that operating on an Australian-style basis would be good for this country moving forward into a post-Brexit world, and we’re happy to have come to the precise same terms with Manchester.”

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for Greater Manchester told us, “Jesus fucking Christ.

“We’re only the nation’s third-biggest city, so I guess we were naive to expect the government to sit down and negotiate in good faith and in the best interested of the people in the north-west.

“Honestly, we are half expecting Boris to turn up in a big red bus with the message, ‘We bailed our business friends with billions, but let’s fob Manchester off with a few million instead’.

“I think we’d all quite like to see him drive that around Moss Side for a bit.”