Monday 7 September 2020

Nation hopeful as idiot prime minister appoints dickhead trade advisor to secure trade deal with moron President


Boris appoints Abbott for trade deal with Trump

As Boris Johnson appointed Tony Abbott to help secure trade deals with people like Donald Trump, the entire country has asked ‘what’s the worst that could possibly happen’.

Despite criticism of the appointment, government insiders have insisted the best way to woo an arsehole is with another arsehole.

Voter Simon Williams told us, “The year is 2020 and absolutely nothing in the world of politics surprises me any more.

“Not even when a man who has cheated on all of his wives employs a man who thinks gays shouldn’t be allowed to marry to help curry favour with a man who pays prostitutes to remain quiet about their liaisons.

“Imagine me coming back in time to tell you that on the day the newspapers decided Ed Milliband couldn’t be prime minister because of the way he ate a bacon sandwich.  You’d think I was completely insane.”

However, others have called appointment ‘a stroke of genius’.

“The best way to get into the good graces with a pathological egotist who thinks everyone to the left of Mussolini is a communist is to put him in a room with someone exactly like him.

“I would imagine Tony and Donald will get on like a house on fire, and that can only be a good thing for the UK’s trade prospects.

“I mean, it’s obviously an awful thing for the human race that these two specimens hold in their hands the numerous possibilities for an entire nation, but I prefer to look at the positives.”

Reporters expect Tony Abbott to be sharing anti Joe Biden memes on Twitter any minute now.

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