Tuesday 8 September 2020 by Arabin Patson

British government screams that it ‘never wanted a trade deal anyway’ and it ‘wishes it had never been born’


Boris on Brexit deal

The high stakes game of international brinkmanship regarding the post-Brexit trade deal took an unexpected turn yesterday when the UK government slammed the door and told the EU that no one understands it and that the Withdrawal Agreement was obviously a joke.

After a few hours masturbating and listening to The Smiths, the UK’s negotiation team leader, David Frost, emerged from his room and agreed to talk to journalists as long as they didn’t ask lame questions about honouring commitments and international law.

He asked, “Why are you always taking Michel’s side? He’s just so boring and doesn’t get that we just want never to talk to him again but we still want full access to the single market, the Netflix password and Mum to do our laundry.

“And that thing about borders with Iceland or whatever is just because he’s jealous because he knows that once we’re on our own everyone will want to be our mate instead of his.”

Mr Frost explained that the UK had little to fear from a No Deal scenario because Donny from the States said he would see us right and he has a house with a pool and if he hasn’t answered the texts it’s normal because he’s, like, super important.

On the EU side, Michel Barnier said such outbursts were regrettable but not unexpected.

He explained, “Look, we get it. You’re going through a strange phase right now. You thought you were a mighty Empire but now you have to face the reality you’re basically Norway, but without the charm. We don’t hate you for it. Although we are looking forward to some peace and quiet when you finally go.

“Do you need some money for the bus?”

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