Monday 7 September 2020 by Neil Harrison

Shortage of homegrown twats forces government to look abroad


tony Abbott

Following the appointment of former Australian PM Tony Abbott as a trade adviser, a senior Conservative Party source has expressed concerns about the quality of Britain’s current crop of morally delinquent arseholes.

Although many in Downing Street view the signing of horrible misogynist shitbag Abbott as a step in the right direction, the source insists that more needs to be done to ensure British twats don’t miss out.

“Nobody can be in any doubt that the current government has raised the bar in terms of absolute ethical bankruptcy,” they told us.

“However, the appointment of Tony Abbott – a foreigner – signals a potential failure in our current system to meet the demand for the volume, and calibre, of weaselly little fuckers that the UK requires. It is a problem at a grassroots level.”

The admission is likely to cause consternation among Britain’s elite institutions – those charged with producing world-beating twats. Doubtless, they will point to Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg as shining examples of their hard work. Nevertheless, the source insisted that more needs to be done if the Tories are to continue destroying the country without help from abroad.

The source went on, “The last general election exposed a lot of cracks for us. Yes, it was a strong victory, but when you look at the MPs we have in place – some of them are actual northerners!

“They are total dicks, admittedly, but do they really have what it takes to decimate public services with glee? Yes, they’ll blindly and cowardly defend Dominic Cummings’ blatant disregard for law and public sentiment, but would they do coke out of a sex worker’s bum in a food bank toilet? I doubt it.

“Ultimately, we need massive investment and early interventions if we are to see an improvement in the level of homegrown, complete bastards. I’d like to see the redirection of foreign aid funds pushed into some kind of Nursery for Cunts programme.”

Downing Street has downplayed the source’s claims, maintaining it is happy with the UK’s capacity to produce toerags.

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the best-selling T-shirt here!

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