Sunday 30 August 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Rubik’s Cube impossible, confirms scientist

Rubic's Cube impossible

After nearly forty years of experimentation and investigation, a scientist has confirmed that it is impossible to solve the Rubik’s Cube.

The Rubik’s cube was a puzzle introduced in the early 1980s that immediately proved popular with both spods and boffins.

The cube is three rows and three columns of different coloured smaller cubes that must be manipulated so that each of its six sides had a solid colour. Many people were able to complete one side of the cube, a select few could complete two sides, but no one was ever able to successfully complete all six sides.

Science student Simon Williams immediately swung into action.

“I first became aware of the cube in 1983 whilst I was studying hard sums at Oxford University,” said Professor Williams.

“I was intrigued and so I stopped smoking pot and going on marches in favour of trying to solve the puzzle.

“It became clear almost immediately that just randomly twisting different layers, shouting ‘f**king thing’ and throwing it at the wall was not going to work and so, after receiving funding from the university, I set up the Rubik’s Cube department, and began writing long equations on blackboards in a laboratory.”

Professor Williams continued his work for ten years, and then in 1993, Professor Stephen Hawking stunned the scientific community by claiming to have solved the puzzle, but investigations revealed that he had just taken off all the coloured stickers off the cube and stuck them back on in the correct positions.

Despite the resulting disgrace brought to Professor Williams’ scientific field, he continued, undeterred, and has spent the last twenty-five years devoted to solving the cube until last Thursday, when he was able to conclusively prove that it was impossible.

“Maybe one day, humankind will have the capacity to solve the Rubik’s Cube,” he said, sadly.

“But for now, it is simply beyond our understanding.”

After confirming that the Rubik’s Cube is impossible, Professor Williams intends to determine once and for all if it is possible to collect all the gold coins in Super Mario World 2.

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