Thousands of children gather in London to demonstrate against their parents’ oppressive hygiene regimes

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They’re fed up and they’re not going to stay quiet any more! Thousands of toddlers aged three to five protested today in central London against their parents’ oppressive hygiene regimes.

In front of Nelson’s Column in Trafalgar Square, they were seen chanting “Showering is stupid”, “Eating dirt is OK!” and “Brush your teeth? No! No! No!” to vent their anger at what they see as an attack on their freedom.

“Away with this ridiculous hygienic dictatorship,” demanded speaker Jake Williams, 4, in a fiery address to the gathered children.

“If we want the freedom to eat half a biscuit that we found in the sandpit, then mom and dad have to let us do it!

“And if I want to exercise my God-given freedom to touch worms in the garden and then eat something right afterwards without washing my hands, then I should be allowed!”

Williams paused, before adding to defeaning applause, “Don’t listen to your parents who will tell you that worms are dirty – it’s just is a big scam run by the soap manufacturers!”

The next speaker, 5-year-old Alice Matthews told the audience, “Brushing your teeth doesn’t taste good at all! Fanta tastes much better! And showering is completely stupid!

“But unfortunately, if you express such views publicly, you are called a disgusting filthy kid by the so-called liberal nursery system.”

A little later, the crowd began chanting, “Bogies can be eaten! Bogies can be eaten!” before a large part of the demonstration passed around a shiny dead beetle in admiration, until one of the participants swallowed it.

The demonstration was finally broken up about an hour later after the arrival of numerous angry parents who loudly announced they would be taking their offspring home for a proper bath.

This article was first published on our partner site Der Postillon