Thursday 27 August 2020

When I get to $300bn I will let my warehouse employees have hassle-free toilet breaks, insists Jeff Bezos


Jeff Bezos worth $200bn

Amazon boss Jeff Bezos has celebrated becoming the first man to be worth $200bn by telling everyone that he is now just $100bn away from having enough money that his employees will be free to take a piss without the immediate pressure of returning to work.

As shares in Amazon lept once more off the back of an entire planet now preferring to shop online, Bezos’ personal net worth reached an amount many have described as ‘probably enough to give his employees slightly better working conditions, yeah?’

However, a spokesperson for Bezos told us we were still some way from reaching that milestone.

Mouthpiece Chuck Matthews told us, “$200bn is a wonderful personal achievement and a testament to the business he has built off the back of tens of thousands of workers currently scurrying around dimly-lit warehouses packing up boxes of tat that you now expect to be delivered by 10pm this evening.

“But $300bn is where it really starts.  When Jeff has amassed that amount of personal wealth he will be able to do all sorts of wonderful things.  Like giving employees time to take a shit at work, or paying them enough to have slightly better living conditions away from he warehouse.

“At $200bn he can’t really afford to do all that, so his employees will just have to wait. Sorry.”

Amazon worker Simon Williams told us, “I’m pleased for Jeff, really I am. But I’m also pissing into an old lucozade bottle because I don’t have time for a toilet break.

“Maybe some of the wealth could trickle down to my pocket, instead of just the piss down my leg.”

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