Monday 3 August 2020

Government asks everyone to focus instead on the 363 Tory MPs who haven’t been arrested on suspicion of rape


Tory MPs not arrested on suspicion of rape

The government has to today sought to end speculation around the identity of the former minister and current MP who has been arrested on suspicion of rape by asking people to focus instead on the 363 Tory MPs who haven’t.

Government spokesperson Simon Williams told reporters, “First of all I’m not even an MP, so it can’t be me.

“Now that we’ve got that out of the way I’d like to remind the public of the over three hundred Tory MPs who haven’t been arrested on suspicion of rape in the last few days, and ask that perhaps we focus a little more them instead.

“I’m sure you’re all sat there quietly confident that you know who it is, or at least have a shortlist of five or six ‘favourites’.  Well, remember, four or five of those definitely haven’t been arrested on suspicion of rape, so how about we all just remember that. instead of the wild speculation in which you all seem to be engaging.”

Voter James Matthews told us, “Yes, I know full well there are 363 Tory MPs who weren’t arrested because I had to print them all out for the office sweepstake.  Someone’s got the name of an MP who was arrested on suspicion of rape, and they’ll soon be over two-hundred quid better off!

“I hope it’s not that twat Derek in accounts.”

Tory MP Tarquin Wilber-Smythe told us, “Protecting the identity of people who haven’t been charged or convicted of a crime is a good thing, obviously.

“However, it’s also not that helpful when everyone is looking at me and my colleagues wondering if we’re the one who was arrested on suspicion of rape.

“Thankfully, whenever anyone asks I can honestly reply ‘Not this time, no’.”

I voted Tory for a fairer society for all (said no-one ever) – get the T-shirt!

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