Thursday 30 July 2020 by Arabin Patson

Government unveils masterplan to avoid second wave of Coronavirus by staying firmly stuck in the first one


Boris avoiding second wave

Downing Street has palliated fears that Britain’s response to the second wave of COVID-19 would be as lethal and inept as it was for the initial one, by saying that, unlike Europe, the UK has never really been given the false hope that things might get better.

Simon Williams, a soulless young Tory careerist and spokesperson for number 10, explained that thanks to the leadership and guidance of Boris Johnson, Britain was nowhere near coming out of the first wave, hence making the second one completely harmless.

“As a floundering EU struggles with the reality that they might have to lockdown again to save lives, we can relax in the knowledge that we were never on the road to any sort of recovery whatsoever.

“Not once has the virus stopped spreading or the death toll stopped ticking upwards. And you can thank the Conservatives for that.”

However, should the unimaginable happen and stout English constitutions, alongside a quarantine procedure completely based on the honour system, fail to contain the arrival of more COVID-19 to these shores, Mr Williams said the government had a contingency plan.

He went on, “Should we see clear evidence of clusters erupting all over Europe, we will carefully hold off from making any rash decisions and spend three weeks consulting with obscure behavioural psychologists to see what their fringe theories on group behaviourial dynamics recommend.

“We will then make sure to take measures at precisely the right moment to avoid damaging that most precious of our national assets; property prices.

“So yeah, it will be exactly like the initial outbreak, except this time Boris will call you lazy for not jogging.”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the T-shirt here!

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