Wednesday 22 July 2020 by Arabin Patson

Next Bond movie to show 007 taking a long nap instead of bothering ministers with unwelcome investigations


New James Bond film

Eon Productions has given Bond fans some tantalizing hints about the next instalment of the franchise as they revealed the plot would see British democracy under attack and Her Majesty’s best agent binge-watching The Wire because there’s no use crying over split milk and they’ll call him if he’s needed.

Scriptwriter Simon Williams explained that the next film, provisionally titled A Takeout And A Wank, wants to project a more realistic portrayal of Britain’s security services.

He continued, “We need to update James Bond. The hard-hitting serial womaniser of yesterday will give place to a more grounded MI6 agent that sees threats to his country’s electoral process but, since no one wants to know more, gets seriously into homebrewing.

“The cliche of 007 breaking into some secure lair to uncover a dastardly plot against Great Britain is out. Now we will see him reading stories about foreign agents rigging elections and deciding to ignore it in favour of finding out if the girl he shagged in Uni is single and still a looker.”

Mr Williams assured the public that the next film would still include some old favourites.

“We will see M tentatively calling Nr 10 on the off chance they have a job for him then deciding to organise self-care seminars when he’s ordered to mind his own business.

“Q will be there working on some clever gadgets but he will also spend a lot of time being told not to worry about why so many people on MI6’s secure servers have St Petersburg ISPs.

“However the purists will be happy to know that Bond is still a vodka drinker. Although the pretentious martinis will be replaced with James simply pouring Asda own-brand voddy into a mug and adding a dash of Ribena.”

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