With the news today that a number of Marks and Spencer shops are to cut 950 jobs in store management, senior officials have assured staff that their redundancy will be something special.
The announcement was made this morning that due to not just any restructuring, but an M&S restructuring, 950 managers would lose their jobs.
M&S spokesperson Simon Williams addressed reporters this morning saying, “Unfortunately this restructuring comes right off the back of the COVID pandemic, so it’s not our fault in any way at all, really, even if it is set against the backdrop of store closures over the last two or three years.
“I mean, people have always said that we could start selling cheaper brands that aren’t exclusively our own to bolster footfall, but that would be too sensible, and would also mean the admission of some responsibility in this fiasco. So losing a load of managers and blaming it on COVID is definitely the way to go.
“But we would like to reassure staff that the experience of losing their jobs will be not just any redundancy – it will be an M&S redundancy.”
He went on, “The sort of redundancy that if it was shot in soft focus slow motion, with an almost pornographic soft music soundtrack, would make you say ‘Ooh, now THAT’S a redundancy.
“The sort of luxury redundancy, that makes you glad you’re being made redundant from a quality upmarket department store and not some generic high street shop. That is what caring for our employees – ahem, former employees – is all about.”
M&S middle manager Eleanor Gay, who is now facing redundancy, told us, “In fairness, they have offered me a job in another shop.
“But I might take the severance package anyway – I’m fed up with stacking shelves with products I could never afford, even with my staff discount.”