Chris Grayling adds ‘lost an election that was completely fixed in my favour’ to CV of comprehensive ineptitude

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Chris Grayling’s failure to secure the chairmanship of the Intelligence and Security Committee is just the latest in a long line of failures on a CV that would embarrass just about anyone except a member of parliament.

Grayling, who was specifically nominated by Boris Johnson Dominic Cummings and had whips pressuring the few people able to vote to secure his role in leading the committee that would decide when to release the report on Russian interference in the UK democratic process.

However, in a two-horse race in which the entire weight of the government machine was behind him, he lost to a man most people couldn’t pick out of a line-up and whose major selling point appears to be “is not Chris Grayling”.

The latest calamitous failure will be added to Graylins CV alongside;

  • Offering a £13m post-Brexit shipping contract to a firm with no ships
  • Had to give an out-of-court settlement to Eurotunnel for awarding contracts like the above without an appropriate tender
  • Wasting half a billion pounds on the botched privatisation of the probation service
  • Wasting £72k on a failed legal challenge to stop prisoners being able to… *checks notes*… “read books”

Meanwhile, those inside Downing Street confirmed that Chris Grayling does indeed continue to have a worthwhile place in today’s government.

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As one source told us, “If there’s one thing we know for certain, it’s that this government will definitely have the need for a useful idiot at some point in the future, and Chris definitely fits that particular bill.

“However, we can all rest assured that he will of course completely fuck up whatever it is he’s asked to do.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!