Cancelled school sports day forces Dad to humiliate himself in other ways

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A man is having to find alternative ways in which to become a laughing stock after his son’s school sports day was cancelled due to coronavirus.

One of Simon Williams’ favourite days of the year is when he goes to his son’s primary school sports day, takes part in the dad’s race and makes a complete and utter twat of himself.

“Everyone still harps on about the Father and Son’s ‘4x lap of the top yard’ relay in 2017,” said Simon. “I dropped the baton and screamed ‘FOR FUCKS SAKE!’ in front of the Ladybird class, causing several five-year-olds to require six months of counselling.

“Then there was the time it took me thirty-four minutes to complete the Dad’s ‘Length of Year 2 Demountable Hurdles’ and then vomited the remains of a chicken and mushroom slice into the PTA collection bucket.

“My personal favourite was when I attempted the long jump and shat my pants upon landing. I then had to pretend to have injured myself so I could stay in the sand long enough to shake out my poo and bury it. No easy task when the headmistress was gently squeezing my ankle to see where it hurt.

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“But this year I need to find another way to quench my insatiable thirst for ritual humiliation. The question is, what can possibly match up to the feeling you get when – for perhaps the first time in your child’s young life – you make them utterly ashamed to be related to you?

“I know – I’ll march up and down in front of the school gates wearing an ‘I Heart Boris’ t-shirt with my nob out while shouting ‘All Lives Matter!’

“It won’t be quite as embarrassing as sports day but it’s all I can think of.”