Hercule Poirot hired to investigate the unfathomable mystery of the ‘drunks who don’t social distance’

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Renowned detective Hercule Poirot has been hired by government officials to get to the bottom of the mystery surrounding the behaviour of drunk people and their inability to follow social distancing protocols.

After a weekend which saw pubs opening, many drinks consumed, and said drinkers apparently dismissing the social distancing guidelines they were given, officials have been quick to acquire one of the greatest deductive minds on the planet to solve the conundrum.

Government official Simon Williams told us, “We’re all stumped. We laid out the guidelines really clearly. Then we opened the pubs and let people drink loads of alcohol. And then people just suddenly stopped following the guidelines.

“It all seems so random. I don’t know how anyone can possibly get to the bottom of this. Personally, I think Poirot is on a hiding to nothing taking on this case.  It is the very definition of unsolvable.”

A spokesperson for Mr Poirot explained why his boss had taken on what the government is calling ‘the impossible mystery’.

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“Hercule has always been keen to take on cases that on the outside seem mysterious, but on closer inspection prove to be painfully bloody obvious.

“He has a strong gut feeling that this particular case will end the same way.

“He’s not in any hurry though, he’s seen how much this government is willing to waste on pointless vanity projects like painting planes, so at his generous day-rate he’ll probably spend a few weeks getting to the bottom of it.”

Off the record, Poirot himself told us, “Instructing drunk people is like herding cats. The biggest mystery here is not their behaviour in the face of the guidelines, but rather which imbecile thought they could be guided in the first place.”