Tuesday 30 June 2020 by Chris Ballard

Latest cock-up sees government lock down Lester Piggott


lester piggott locked down by the government

The UK government is trying to confine legendary jockey Lester Piggott to his house – a politically complicated move given that he now lives in Switzerland.

There has been a localised spike in coronavirus cases in the city of Leicester. For once, the government has taken quick and decisive action.

“As soon as we saw the statistics we held an emergency coronavirus meeting round the back of Parliament by the bins,” said Health Secretary Matt Hancock.

“It was obvious what we had to do – and that was to immediately restrict the movement of eighty-four-year-old Lester Piggott to prevent cases spreading further.

“Our top research team quickly established via Wikipedia that he now resides in Switzerland. This had the potential to derail our plan but I knew we had to push on – the lives of people in the East Midlands were at stake!

“A delegation flew out to Bursinel, cordoned off Lester’s massive house and sprayed him head to toe with disinfectant.

“As a precautionary measure, we also shot all of the horses within a three-mile radius of Lester in case he tries using one of them to escape.

“This has definitely been the most successful element of our coronavirus response so far, even if I say so myself!”

A statement from the Swiss government said, “This is outrageous! What makes the British think they can come over here, lock up our elderly citizens and murder our wildlife? They are insane!”

Lester himself said, “If I supported the British government I would have paid taxes when I lived there. Piss off!”

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