Tuesday 30 June 2020

Boris confirms it’s called Project Speed because if the economy doesn’t go fast enough Dom Cummings will happily see loads of people die


Boris announced project speed

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has unveiled Project Speed, in homage to the 1994 Keanu Reeves movie in which a psychopath is happy to see loads of innocent people die if things don’t move fast enough for him.

Announcing £5bn in extra government spending to kick-start the economy, Boris warned that if the economy does not move fast enough, then his closest adviser will start pushing to let people die.

He told reporters, “We are calling it Project Speed because that’s what we want everyone focussed on now – how fast the economy goes.

“As a motivating factor, I find it helps to picture Dominic Cummings as a maniacal antagonist who will happily see the deaths of thousands of innocent people if the economy doesn’t go quite fast enough. It’s certainly a good way to focus on the task at hand.

“He might not literally put a bomb underneath a nursing home, but he will push to have everything open before it’s safe to do so if it looks like the economy isn’t going at a speed he approves of.

“Please do as he says. Please.”

Movie fan Simon Williams has welcomed the government adopting policies from his favourite action movie.

He went on, “I really liked the bit where the bus jumped over the incomplete bridge.  Though I think in this version the bus should be a red double-decker with a slogan that says ‘We could let the economy slow down, but let’s kill all the vulnerable people instead!'”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here

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