Tuesday 30 June 2020 by Ray Strach

Tight-arse getting chest pains ahead of this weekend after realising it might finally be his round

Man to get beers in

Renowned local tight-arse Simon Williams, 52, from Coalville, Leicestershire, has had all the hallmark symptoms of an oncoming heart attack since he learned that the pubs would be opening this weekend, and he might finally be forced to get a round in.

And being tight hasn’t been good for Simon’s longtime health, “I’ve been sweating 24/7 since they said the pubs were opening” he admitted.

“It’s like the time I was convinced the fridge light wasn’t going off and would spend all day and night burning electricity unnecessarily. I was awake all night. I took the bulb out in the end.”

Back in the old days he admits he could say something like, “Sorry lads, forgot to go cashpoint” or “I’ll get the next one in, promise” but admits technology has ruined those excused.

“Now it’s all contactless, or paying with your phone, however that works and I’ve got no reason not to get a round in. Ah, I’m feeling all dizzy again” Simon wheezed.

His mates have deservedly long taken the piss and he even gained the nickname ‘Time Team’ after pulling out an old 50p to play pool, a coin not seen in general circulation since 1998.

His mate Joe Smith explained, “If and when we do eventually see his wallet, it’ll be like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark when they open it up.

“It’ll be just too new, too pure, untouched.

“Or he’ll pretend to get an emergency call when it’s his turn to get the beers in and disappear.  Nothing is off the table.”

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