Former Glastonbury attendees embarrassed to discover it was actually all on telly

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People who’ve previously spent vast amounts of money going to the refugee camp with tunes that is Glastonbury are now feeling very silly after finding out they could have just watched it all on TV.

A full weekend ticket for Glastonbury 2019 cost around £250. That’s before travel, booze and wages lost due to the onset of scurvy.

But it doesn’t have to be like that.

“What the fuck do you mean it was all on telly?” asked an incredulous Simon Williams after watching many festival highlights from previous years on television over the weekend.

“Are you seriously telling me I could have been sitting in my armchair, a lovely cold beer from the fridge in my hand, effortlessly flicking between stages without having to walk FUCKING MILES in the glare of the afternoon sun only to miss half the act?

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“Instead of spending Liam Gallagher‘s set trying to find a place to stand where my view wasn’t blocked by some pisshead titting about on someone’s shoulders I could just have caught up with it Sunday evening after the Antiques Roadshow?

“Why weren’t we told about this? I’ve been completely misled – this is far worse than all that Brexit bus stuff.”

Meanwhile, Boris Johnson is feeling very smug as he watched festival highlights on Downing Street’s fifty-inch television.

“Ah, this is the life,” he said as he slouched on the sofa pissing into a mug. “And it’s also great practice for running the country.

“Take that you proles!” he shouted, hurling the mug at the on-screen crowd. The mug smashed and urine splattered the screen, the walls, the expensive artwork.

His fiance Carrie walked in, drawn by the noise.

“For fuck’s sake Boris, have you done it again? Is there any way I can throw you out of this flat?”