Friday 26 June 2020 by Runi Talwar

Boris quietly confident he’s done enough to get a really nice Christmas bonus from Dominic Cummings this year


Boris hoping to get a bonus this year from dominic cummings

UK Prime Minister and hapless comic-relief sidekick Boris Johnson is reportedly feeling ‘quietly confident’ about his job performance this year, and is sure he’s done enough over the last 6 months to earn a substantial Christmas bonus from his boss Dominic Cummings.

Despite having to deal with multiple public and political disasters, like the Covid-19 outbreak or the time Cummings wanted to see a castle, Boris is understood to be very proud of his performance as leader of the nation and, more importantly, protector of Dominic Cummings’ interests.

According to one anonymous source inside Downing Street, “Boris is really optimistic about his bonus this year.

“He feels the boss is really going to appreciate how he made himself look like an absolute numpty on national television, time and time again, just to take the heat off the top guy. That’s proper teamwork right there.

“I mean, not only did he show the entire country how spineless he was, he managed to bungle up the coronavirus response so badly, people actually got distracted and stopped caring about Dominic Cummings breaking the rules about Coronavirus. He’s particularly proud of that one.”

“He’s really put in the hard yards this year,” said another government inside source.

“You know, he’s been given this big responsibility, and faced crisis after crisis, but time and time again he’s come back and tried to be the best henchman he can possibly be.

“It’s really inspirational to the rest of us hoping that one day we, too, might be asked to do Dominic Cummings’ bidding.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

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