Wasps target 60% increase in bastardy during summer

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The International Federation of Wasps have announced an ambitious target of a 60% increase in bastardy over the course of summer.

The announcement followed a global wasp symposium in which wasps came together at an undisclosed location to celebrate what complete bastards they are.

“A 60% increase in bastardy is an ambitious target,” admitted Simon Williams, an influential wasp from Chelmsford in Essex.

“But I think that wasps are such bastards that we will be able to achieve it.”

Mr Williams set out a variety of plans to increase wasp bastardy.

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“Well, we’re going to build a lot more nests, under the eaves just outside children’s bedrooms, in remote train station waiting rooms, under soon-to-be-used camping equipment.

“We’re also going to target picnics. After the Covid lockdown, we’re assuming people will really be looking forward to picnics. So, we’re going to have lookout wasps stationed in all parks and fields, and we think we’ll be able to achieve swarming within ten-fifteen minutes of the prosecco being opened.

He also revealed a new and ingenious idea.

“Oh yes – sleeper wasps! Wasps will infiltrate houses across the country and go to sleep under the sofa or behind the telly and then, just when people are getting ready to go to bed, we’ll come out and hover right above their pillows.

“It’s going to be a real summer of wasps!”

It is also understood that there are tentative plans in place for a wasp merger with hornets to form warnets, a new insect of such terrifying bastardry, we may as well all just give up.