Tuesday 16 June 2020

Government performs U-turn on willingness to perform U-turns


Government u-turn on u-turns

The government has announced a U-turn in its willingness to perform U-turns, before insisting there will be no more U-turns after their latest U-turn.

The government has announced plans to extend the voucher scheme for free school meals into the summer holiday, in a move the prime minister has been quick to label “more of an O-turn than a U-turn, as we’re back facing the way we started.”

Critics have claimed the latest U-turn is a further sign that we shouldn’t trust the words of people that we already shouldn’t trust, even when they say “trust me”.

Political analyst Simon Williams told us, “If you thought Boris Johnson could introduce sensible social policy without making a few dozen mistakes in need of retraction along the way, then you’re probably still cleverer than most in government office.

“Clearly all he needed was a nice young man like Marcus Rashford who kicks a football for a living to highlight how his previous policy was both cruel and discriminatory, and to have enough room to perform a u-turn. Again.

“Of course, Tory HQ will insist this is not so much a change of mind, as the revealing of what was their original plan all along.

“But I’ll leave it up to you to determine how much of that is utter bullshit.”

Charities have welcomed the latest u-turn, insisting it will help safeguard the health of vulnerable children throughout the summer holidays.

Charity board member Dave Michaelson told us, “This is a positive move, definitely – but I can’t help wondering what else we can get the government to perform u-turn on.

“I think if we could get Harry Kane to call for a Brexit extension we could probably confuse Boris into tears.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

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