People bored of lockdown flock to IKEA to make staying at home seem less shit

author avatar by 4 years ago

Thousands of people have been coping with the stresses and strains of lockdown by replacing them with the stresses and strains of going to Ikea.

As tough as an enforced lockdown can be, it’s important to get a sense of perspective – things could probably be a lot worse.

For example, you could be seriously ill, you could have lost your livelihood… or you could be shopping at Ikea.

“I’ve been furloughed until the end of June – I’m one of the lucky ones,” said Simon Williams.

“I needed to remind myself that it’s really no hardship to stay at home every day making myself feel inadequate by bodging DIY jobs and slowly eating myself to death.

“What I needed was just one day of pure hellish frustration so I could go back home and appreciate the comfort of my own four walls. So I suggested to my wife that we go to Ikea.

“We started with a three-hour queue at the crack of dawn – no toilets, no podcasts, just steely silence and a burning bladder.

“Then we were herded around the infamous one-way system but at a fraction of the normal speed. At one point we got held up in the garden lighting section for ninety minutes – we don’t even have a garden.

“Seventeen hours we were there in total. Staff were handing out flyers for The Samaritans.

“And then the best part at the end – the hot dogs – weren’t even available!

“It was a relief to get out of there and resume my regular mild depression.”

However, Simon’s wife Karen quite enjoyed the trip to Ikea.

“It was nice to be able to buy shit I don’t need in person rather than online,” she said.

“I bought a rather nifty solar-powered floor lamp for the garden. I know our third floor flat doesn’t even have a balcony but I can put it in the bottom of the wardrobe in case we move.

“And Simon’s birthday is coming up so I got him this really cool coffee grinder. He only drinks instant but just having it on display will make the kitchen seem that bit more sophisticated.

“Oh, and I threw in a couple of combination wardrobes – we don’t have room for them but putting them together will give Simon a reason to live for another week or so.”