New Coronavirus guidelines allow people to do all the things they started doing three weeks ago

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New guidelines issued by the government will allow people to start doing all the things they started doing weeks ago, according to reports today.

Gatherings in groups of more than three people, and seeing other people outside of your immediate family, which began happening at the end of April, will now be permitted from Monday.

Boris Johnson explained that the decision to relax some of the restrictions was possible due to the fact that his five tests for doing so had been met, and that the nation appeared to have been doing precisely as it pleased for quite a while now anyway.

“Thanks to the easing of restrictions we are announcing today, you’ll be able to go for picnics with much larger groups than previously allowed just like you have been doing for the best part of the last month,” the Prime Minister said in an announcement last night.

“And a relaxation of outdoor restrictions on exercise means that you can now go walking or cycling with a bunch of your mates, so no change to your current behaviour there either,” he added.

Meanwhile, in Scotland, meetups of groups of up to eight people will be allowed in public places, matching what people have been doing anyway.

We were told, “These restrictions mean that within a couple of months people will be allowed to start just walking into shops taking no notice of any restrictions at all, just like they are now.”

A cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!