At eight o’clock this evening the UK will honour the sacrifices made by Dominic Cummings as everyone travels 250 miles to applaud for a minute.
It’s Thursday, which means that tonight we will clap for the heroes working bravely and tirelessly to get the country through this pandemic. Except this evening things will be a little different…
“Health workers have probably received enough applause by now,” said Dominic Cummings’ aide Boris Johnson. “We don’t want them taking it for granted and getting lazy on us.
“Instead, tonight I urge the people of Britain to clap for a man who has made tremendous sacrifices in order to protect his family. Sacrifices which include his own parents and anyone who’s used a petrol station along the A1.
“So, at eight o’clock – actually half eight in honour of the man who puts the ‘late’ into self-isolate – please hop in the car with all the members of your household and travel approximately 250 miles, ideally to a castle but any popular tourist destination or beauty spot will suffice.
“Then put your hands together for Mr Dominic Cummings – the man who gave us Brexit, who has worked harder than anyone to undermine public health messaging in order for us to achieve herd immunity and who will one day give us mandatory contraception for thickies and poor people.
“What an absolute legend!”
In order to avoid gridlock on the UK’s roads as everyone travels hundreds of miles at the same time, the Department for Transport has issued additional guidelines.
“We recommend that the visually impaired start driving at midday and go no faster than forty miles per hour,” said Transport Secretary Grant Shapps.
“Obviously if your sight is so bad that you can’t actually see the speedometer, then open the car windows so you can judge your speed by how forcefully the wind blows in your face.”