Have you had coronavirus but failed to travel the length of the country to drop your kids off at their grandparents? Then you are a negligent parent and can expect a visit from social services.
The government has announced that coronavirus-stricken parents who stayed at home with young children rather than travelling hundreds of miles are terrible people who’ll probably have their kids taken away.
The policy is a response to suggestions that Downing Street adviser Dominic Cummings shouldn’t have driven from London to Durham while displaying symptoms of Covid-19.
“Of course he should have travelled all that way!” said Boris Johnson.
“Dominic isn’t a monster! He simply wanted to protect his child. Not his parents, obviously, they’re old and expendable.
“Anyone who didn’t take similar action will now have their children snatched away from under their negligent noses. I doubt the rotters will even notice.
“If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s people who can’t be bothered to look after their own children.”
Parent Simon Williams lives in Kent and is one of these evil bastards who should never have been allowed to reproduce.
“My wife and I both came down with a cough and fever at around the same time,” he said. “We have a four-year-old son and would have loved to take him up to Manchester to stay with the in-laws for a bit.
“But we didn’t because, well, we weren’t allowed to. You know, ‘stay at home’ and all that.
“We just muddled through. We explained to Harry we were poorly and that we’d be trying to keep our distance. My wife found it particularly tough as we tried to minimise hugging and so on.
“But there’s only so much you can do with a child who can’t yet wipe his own bum.
“We eventually got better and Harry never became ill. Thank God!”
When he was told about Mr Williams the Prime Minister said, “What a despicable individual!
“Worse than Hitler!”