Wednesday 20 May 2020 by Chris Ballard

Send us back to school so we don’t have to eat any more f*cking fish fingers, plead children


Fish fingers

Children are more than willing to risk catching coronavirus if it means access to a more varied diet.

One of the consequences of lockdown is that school dinners have been replaced with whatever mum and dad can conjure up in those few precious minutes between Zoom meetings.

Eight-year-old Simon Williams has mainly been eating fish fingers for two months now.

“I can’t take much more of this,” he said.

“I’ve tried explaining to Dad that a fish finger sandwich is fundamentally the same meal as fish fingers on toast but he seems to think that fish fingers are a ‘treat’ and that I should be overjoyed that I keep getting them.

“Sure, they’re a treat for him because he doesn’t have to peel any bloody vegetables. In the meantime I’m pretty sure I’m developing scurvy – I’ve been too tired to do any maths for days.

“I mentioned to Dad that a proper pudding might be nice – apple crumble or spotted dick; you know, something with custard.

“So he served me a Kit Kat floating in a bowl of custard that he poured directly from a plastic pot.

“I suppose he’s doing his best. It’s just a shame his best is so fucking awful.

“Mum used to tell me that I’d turn into something if I ate too much of it; sadly that doesn’t appear to be true.

“I would love nothing more than to turn into a fish finger and sit out the rest of this monotonous hell in the depths of a cold dark freezer.”

I survived homeschooling in lockdown 2020 – get the T-shirt!

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