A man who’s been working from a desk in the corner of his bedroom for the last two months is on the verge of getting sacked for consistent tardiness.
Simon Williams currently has a commute of three feet – from his bed to his desk. He is therefore rapidly running out of excuses for why most mornings he doesn’t actually log on until gone ten.
“I’m actually late more often now than I ever was when the office was an hour away,” he said. “There is literally no excuse, although I’ve actually done quite well in coming up with some of them.”
Simon talked us through a few of his favourites.
Excuse: “Leaves on the stairs led to severe delays between my third bowl of Coco Pops and me hurriedly pulling yesterday’s t-shirt over my head. Probably caused by a window I accidentally left open overnight.”
Real reason: “I had a fourth bowl of Coco Pops.”
Excuse: “WiFi issues prevented me logging on to the office network.”
Real reason: “I was using the WiFi to download the entire sixth season of Schitt’s Creek.”
Excuse: “There was some kind of problem with my shower pump and the water pressure was really low – it took absolutely ages for me to have a shower.”
Real reason: “It took ages for me to have a shower because I had a nice big wank.”
Excuse: “My laptop battery died and I couldn’t find my charger – turns out it was buried under all my many work-related notepads.”
Real reason: “I honestly thought it was Sunday until This Morning came on the telly.”