Local woman, Simone Williams, is up to five showers a day in her attempts to feel ‘clean’ after finding herself agreeing with Piers Morgan yet again.
After the TV presenter confidently dispatched online moron-baiter ‘Prison Paul Watson’, Williams said she found herself nodding sagely with the Tweets from Morgan, before coming over all clammy and dirty, like she’d been running in the sewer.
She told us, “He was comprehensively dismantling that conspiracy-loving basement-dwelling weirdo, and I agreed completely with everything that he said.
“Not like ‘I sort of agree with Piers there’, but ‘I 100% agree with everything Piers is saying there’. It was revolting. I’ve never felt dirtier in my entire life. I had to shower again immediately, even though it was only 10 am.
“I’m starting to develop sores from all the scrubbing because I just can’t get myself properly clean any more. I get dried off and into fresh clothes and then I see Piers has gone and criticised the government’s accounting for their coronavirus testing regime, pointing out how the numbers were faked. Well done Piers!
“Oh Christ. My hair isn’t even dry yet, and now I’ve got that awful grimy feeling on my skin that just won’t come off. Into the shower I go. Again.”
Experts have insisted the new-found phenomena of ‘Piers Morgan being right about things’ is unlikely to last, given his long-term track record.
Behaviourist Dr Derek Matthews told us, “Just because in the last few days Piers has been seen legitimately calling out Donald Trump for bizarre and dangerous behaviour, criticising the government for using blatant propagandist techniques, and slapping down infatuated alt-right poster boys, doesn’t mean he isn’t still also a twat.
“We’ll be proven right, just wait. And if not, and he says yet another perfectly reasonable thing that you agree with, you could always try having another shower?”