Friday 1 May 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Matt Hancock hails huge increase in available care home places under Tories


Matt Hancock hails spare capacity in care homes

Matt Hancock has proudly announced that there is currently more capacity in care homes than there has been in a generation.

“As a direct result of recent policy implementation by this Government, we have seen a huge increase in care home places becoming available for more elderly and vulnerable people,” he said, wearing a badge that said ‘best minister’.

“This means, in practice, that wherever you are in the country, you are not far from a care-home that has, in the last six weeks or so, gained the capacity for a whole new set of residents.

“We are sure this will be of great comfort for everyone with elderly relatives who might be in need of care.”

Simon Williams, a Tory supporter and sociopath, welcomed the news.

“This is brilliant work from people who clearly care about the best interests of me, very specifically,” he cheered.

“Well done Boris, I say. You wouldn’t have got that under Labour, I tell you. With that lot, we’d have care-homes jam-packed with old people, and it’d be my taxes paying for it as well, no doubt.

“But with Boris, it’s been a prudent and sensible attitude to care-homes, and that’s paid off with all these new places that are now suddenly available.”

He even claimed that he will be placing his own mother in the local care home.

“Too bloody right I will. Well, just as soon as I can take down the barricade that she’s put up on her bedroom door to stop us moving her out.”

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