OFSTED puts ‘Home School’ into special measures

The newly fashionable ‘Home School’ is to be immediately placed in special measures, OFSTED have announced today.

Evergreen education spokesman Simon Williams explained, “We understand the staff are grossly underqualified and had documented proof of some teachers lacking even basic common sense; they seem to think it’s perfectly acceptable to turn up to work in their dressing gowns and pyjamas, and even have little grasp of simple personal hygiene.

“A person’s body has more parts to wash than just hands.”

He continued, “The most shocking thing is quite how many of these so-called ‘teachers’ drink on the job. One unnamed teacher in Hull was caught teaching maths by how many 25ml measures of whisky it’s possible to get from a 70cl bottle Aldi’s own brand.”

Williams also stated, “I’ve even seen reports that the curriculum is being totally ignored. I have been made aware some staff members require some patio work doing, but enforced child labour is not the way forward. Perhaps these staff will have more time for these things if they were placed on indefinite gardening leave.”

Other concerns include: a disregard for social distancing in the classroom may be considered child abuse; PE is much more than children sat on their arses watching Joe Wicks on YouTube; Art should not revolve around the misuse of toilet tissue and there is much more to Media Studies than a free trial of Disney+.

“Oh, and homework is set by staff and not someone called Mrs Hinch on Instagram.”

Williams did however avoid a complete criticism of school meals, now that Greggs has closed.

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