Friday 27 March 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Everyone looking forward to coronavirus pandemic passing to get back to safely licking toilets


don't lick toilet seats

With the restrictions around the coronavirus starting to bite, many people are just looking forward to the pandemic passing and being able to get back to safely licking toilets without worry of getting sick.

It seems the nostalgia for the pre-lockdown days came about after it emerged that a social media influencer licked a toilet and got sick afterwards and it dawned on everyone that they should probably avoid licking toilets.

“Man, this quarantine is difficult,” said Simon Williams, a pubic topiarist from Brighton.

“I can’t meet friends, I can’t go to work, the cinemas are closed and now it looks like we can’t even lick toilets anymore without getting ill.

“It’s like, I don’t recognise my life anymore. I mean, just a few short weeks ago, if I was feeling a little down or bored, I’d go and lick a toilet and it would really cheer me up and I’d feel back to my old self again.

“I don’t know. When even the simple pleasure of licking a toilet is denied to us, can you even call yourself a human?”

Although avoiding licking toilets hasn’t been mentioned in any of the coronavirus guidelines yet published.

This is probably because medical experts really didn’t ever consider that they would have to be explicit about the merits of licking toilets.

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