Friday 20 March 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Today’s coronavirus briefing to be given in Latin to help maintain confusion


Boris Johnson to give briefing in Latin

In order to maintain appropriate levels of confusion surrounding coronavirus measures, Boris Johnson will give today’s briefing in Latin.

Downing Street has been largely pleased with the levels of confusion generated around exactly whether people should go for a pint or a coffee, whether they can go to work or not, who can go to school, and so on.

And as a bemused nation continues to shuffle on by as best they can, there are concerns that some sections of society are reacting with dangerous levels of clarity.

Downing Street officials are mindful that this level of confusion will be difficult to maintain without measures such as the occasional Latin briefing.

“Briefing a iuste simplex est, ita ut non plus errores ut nos latine usus,” explained a Downing Street aide.

“Sorry, just getting in the mood. Look, in these times of national crisis it’s clearly important to be as confusing as possible.

“Not sure why, should probably ask.

“So, yes, fairly standard briefing today. As such, we thought giving it in Latin would be baffling to most people, and that way everyone will have get on Google Translate and try and figure out what ‘Latrina Volumne’ means and whether ‘deciens’ is a lot or not.

“Good times.”

It is understood that as the briefings continue, Downing Street have some ingenious plans to make them even more confusing that include giving the briefing in semaphore, holding the briefing in an undisclosed location and having people try to guess where, and using ASMR.

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